You can react, or you can respond.
Stop making things worse.
How we react to an event determines how it affects our lives.
With a knee-jerk, emotional reaction, you make things worse.
By pausing, thinking, and choosing an intelligent response, you improve a terrible situation.
Realize it’s a choice
Your response to any event is a choice.
A reaction is fast, automatic, and appears to be involuntary.
A response is slower, and it takes effort. You pause. You create a space between the event and what you do. The pause gives you time to settle down to take a more rational look at what has happened and then choose a response.
An intelligent response will move you closer to improving the situation.
If you are a big over-reactor, knowing you have a choice can be the beginning of a much better life.
Start counting
We need to learn to be mindful of our thoughts and aware of our reactions. When an irritating event occurs and you feel your emotions arising, try counting to ten.
I know this technique that has been around since Noah.
Don’t pass it over if it sounds too simple. It’s been around forever because it works for a lot of people.
- Count to ten, fifty, or one hundred
- Try counting to five with five deliberate deep breaths.
- Try counting aloud, using your hands, and pacing back and forth. Whatever it takes to make it work for YOU.
The counting give you a pause to move from reactive mode to choice mode.
Choice mode is where you realize you CAN choose your response.
Then, when you get there, choose an intelligent answer.
Hard. Sometimes. But not impossible; it takes effort and persistence to make it a habit.
Don’t fight your emotions
Don’t try to stifle or control your emotions.
Instead, sit with the emotion, feel it, focus on it. Acknowledge it by saying, “I am feeling furious right now.”
You might think this would make your reaction worse. But by observing your feelings this way, you detach yourself from the emotion. This detachment weakens its power over you.
Be aware and prepare
Being prepared involves understanding what your unique triggers are.
This summer, I had a flat tire on the way to the golf course. I handled the entire affair like a walk in the park. Events like that don’t trigger me. Shite happens, as they say.
But when people are disrespectful, rude, mean, or abusive. Those types of encounters can set me off.
Knowing your personal triggers, you can prepare a plan for responding.
If you know that an irritable co-worker will swing by daily and say something to rankle you. Be ready. Let those words evaporate in the air the second they come out of his mouth.
Your thoughts are as big as you make them
When that co-worker gets snarky, dismiss his words as not worth your attention.
The more you dwell on a thought, the bigger it becomes. Let an idea marinate in your mind long enough, and it will stir emotion and a reaction.
For example, You’re watching a football game. Even though you finished lunch, you have a thought about that leftover apple pie in the fridge. Let the idea pass, and you forget about it. Keep thinking about that pie, and it will stir up a reaction. You find yourself eating a piece, and why not a little ice cream to go with it.
The more attention you give to a thought, the more real it becomes.
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”
-Dale Carnegie.
Assume they are good
People are creatures of emotion, not logic. We are all flawed. Accept human nature for what it is.
Some who trigger you are “good” people who made a mistake. When tired or under stress, people are more prone to making bad choices.
Give people the benefit of the doubt. A reasonable person can make a mistake because they are in a bad situation.
When you assume someone is a jerk or stupid, it will evoke an adverse reaction from you. Your response will be more reasonable if you give the offender a chance.
First, assume they are a “good” person in a bad situation.
We are all guilty of doing something stupid, right? We give ourselves slack when we screw up, now give other people the same courtesy.
Understand your physical and mental state
I overreact when tired or under much stress.
Low blood sugar and lack of sleep will make you unreasonable. It’s then easier to make bad choices.
Knowing I am in one of these states, I will be extra careful with my reactions.
Eating healthy, daily exercise, getting enough sleep, and keeping stress in check help. Lower stress with a quiet walk in nature, daily exercise, or socializing with good friends.
“Meditation is the big tool in the toolbox to make you more response-able.”
The big tool in the toolbox
Being mindful of your thoughts is crucial to responding before you take action.
Meditation is the big tool in the toolbox to make you more response-able.
A simple meditation routine will help you recognize your thoughts and emotions. Making it easier to find the gap between your thoughts and reactions.
You will understand that choosing how you respond is always within your power.
